i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
