so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
