I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
