your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Randomize
