I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
