My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
