help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
