Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
