dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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