I faked an abortion last night.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
