Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
