I wish my penis had an off switch
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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