I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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