I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
