I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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