I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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