Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
