My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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