drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize