Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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