it's too hot outside to masturbate.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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