My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
