Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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