??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i was born a porn star she said
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
