Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
