I need to stop coming to work sober
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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