I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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