Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
