the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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