Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
