life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
