You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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