I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
