the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
