i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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