Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
