I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
