im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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