I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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