i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
