It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I need a beard to bite.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
