you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
