In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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