i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
