i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
