When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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