don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
