final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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