I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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