yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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