My friends, they love my intelligence
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
