I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
