Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
